I feel hopeless tonight. It was a bad day. I've been starting every day with jolting out of bed because I get a text or email or call about my mom leaving rehab, not doing well, needing something.
I resent always thinking about her situation and then trying not to think about it and failing.
I've putting off my own feelings for a while now and trying to "be there" and "do the right thing" for my mom and today everything unraveled.
My mom has been threatening to leave rehab and she states she will continue to drink the minute she gets out. Even though it will kill her within 3 months. She fails to make that connection. She believes it isn't as bad as everyone is making it seem.
She cannot understand rationality.
I have been so fed up by her threats and resistance to this once in a lifetime (and expensive) chance to be at rehab.
Today she called everyone in my family asking for help to buy plane tickets home. Everyone said no. When she called me, I picked up without thinking. Without realizing how fragile I am today.
My GRE is in 3 days and I haven't studied one bit. I can't concentrate. I've been irrationally angry all day. I feel like I'm ruining everything I've been working for. I feel stupid for having the goals that I have. My stress levels are too high.
So when my mom called me and was complaining and threatening to leave, I lost it. I yelled that I hated her and that if she leaves the program I won't talk to her again and I won't help her at all. Then I said I hated her and hung up.
It felt awful.
So I called my brother for support and he said, "If you can't handle speaking to mom in a normal way, then you shouldn't talk to her".
That is probably true but not what I needed to hear. Then I hung up on him. My mother hangs up on people all of the time. And I hate it. I hate that I do it too. I hate that I am like my mother in so many ways. I hate her right now. I wish she would just open her fucking eyes.
I wish I didn't have this horrible, hateful, resentful feeling right now. But I do. I feel hopeless tonight. And I'm embarrassed to admit it because I hate thinking this post will make other people feel that way too or that they will judge me for feeling like this.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Something I've been thinking about lately...
1. Do you have a hard time saying no to others, even when you are very busy, financially broke, or completely exhausted?
2. Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else?
3. Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role?
4. If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless?
5. Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn’t revolve around you being the “helper”?
6. If your friends eventually didn’t need your help, would you still be friends with them? Or would you look around for someone else to help?
7. Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives?
8. Do you sometimes feel like more of a social worker than a friend in your relationships?
9. Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships?
10. Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another?
11. Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems?
12. Are many of your friends addicts, or do they have serious emotional and social problems?
13. As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning?
14. As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the “dependable one”?
If you answered “yes” to a lot of these questions, you may indeed have a problem with co-dependency. This does not mean that you are a flawed person. It means that you are spending a lot of energy on other people and very little on yourself. If it seems that a lot of your friendships are based on co-dependent rescuing behaviors, rather than on mutual liking and respect between equals, you may wish to step back and rethink your role in relationships.If you suspect that your helping behavior is a form of co-dependency, a good therapist or counselor can help you gain perspective on your actions and learn a more balanced way of relating to others.
*found here: http://addictionrecoverybasics.com/are-you-codependent-quick-quiz-reveals-codependency/
Another quiz can be taken here: http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/4513150/are-you-codependent
Do your results indicate you're co-dependent? Do you think you are?
2. Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else?
3. Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role?
4. If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless?
5. Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn’t revolve around you being the “helper”?
6. If your friends eventually didn’t need your help, would you still be friends with them? Or would you look around for someone else to help?
7. Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives?
8. Do you sometimes feel like more of a social worker than a friend in your relationships?
9. Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships?
10. Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another?
11. Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems?
12. Are many of your friends addicts, or do they have serious emotional and social problems?
13. As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning?
14. As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the “dependable one”?
If you answered “yes” to a lot of these questions, you may indeed have a problem with co-dependency. This does not mean that you are a flawed person. It means that you are spending a lot of energy on other people and very little on yourself. If it seems that a lot of your friendships are based on co-dependent rescuing behaviors, rather than on mutual liking and respect between equals, you may wish to step back and rethink your role in relationships.If you suspect that your helping behavior is a form of co-dependency, a good therapist or counselor can help you gain perspective on your actions and learn a more balanced way of relating to others.
*found here: http://addictionrecoverybasics.com/are-you-codependent-quick-quiz-reveals-codependency/
Another quiz can be taken here: http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/4513150/are-you-codependent
Do your results indicate you're co-dependent? Do you think you are?
Friday, June 24, 2011
Marsha Linehan
Really interesting article about the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (read about DBT here), Marsha Linehan's struggles with suicide and self destructive behaviors that led to her own hospitalizations and ECT treatments.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=marsha&st=cse
I think that so brave of Dr. Linehan to come out with this personal, personal story. It just goes to show that people with mental health issues CAN get better and be successful people. It also shows how serious the stigma is...that a person who understands and treats people with mental illnesses had such a difficult time coming out with her own personal story.
Amazing.
You can read more about Dr. Linehan and her work on her website at the University of Washington (Seattle) here.
I'm also going to post some videos from youtube about DBT here and here.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Maybe I need to perk up...
I just read this blog entry: http://www.bphope.com/bphopeblog/post/Positive-and-Negative-Thinking-is-Contagious.aspx
and it made me think. I've been feeling so stressed, so down, so blah about the situation with my mom. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what I can do. What anyone can do.
Small update: we're (her addiction counselor, my brother, sister and moi) having a phone conversation with my mom tomorrow to try to get her to stay and take the program more seriously. I spoke with my mom today and I just don't feel hopeful. She just doesn't want to stay at rehab.
DarkHorizon left a comment on my blog yesterday and said: "she doesn't know she has a problem". And that is partly right. She doesn't know and she does know. The tricky thing is she knows on some level, but her mental illness makes her not care if she lives or dies. And the drinking is killing her.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Anyway. The point of this post is despite these horrible realities I'm dealing with right now, I think I need to find a way to bring myself some happiness.
Any suggestions?
and it made me think. I've been feeling so stressed, so down, so blah about the situation with my mom. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what I can do. What anyone can do.
Small update: we're (her addiction counselor, my brother, sister and moi) having a phone conversation with my mom tomorrow to try to get her to stay and take the program more seriously. I spoke with my mom today and I just don't feel hopeful. She just doesn't want to stay at rehab.
DarkHorizon left a comment on my blog yesterday and said: "she doesn't know she has a problem". And that is partly right. She doesn't know and she does know. The tricky thing is she knows on some level, but her mental illness makes her not care if she lives or dies. And the drinking is killing her.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Anyway. The point of this post is despite these horrible realities I'm dealing with right now, I think I need to find a way to bring myself some happiness.
Any suggestions?
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
From Caron to Hanley...
The hard and simultaneously wonderful thing about rehab is that you are out of touch with the alcoholic in your life. You hope that he or she is in good hands and that they can "work their magic".
My mom was at Caron (their website) for less than a week before they called to say that they could "not care for her physical needs". I guess they initially thought that they could, but then changed their minds. My mom's therapist also called to tell me my mom was one of the most difficult clients they had ever had because she wouldn't really participate in the program (she was just going through the motions) and denied that she was an alcoholic.
I understand that my mom is a difficult client, but is she really unreachable? She's 56 years old and she's going to die if she keeps drinking. I just don't get it.
Anyway, so then Caron told us that they would pro-rate the $30,000 we paid them (WHY IS REHAB SO EXPENSIVE?) and send her to the Hanley Center (website here), which is a rehab center that caters to elderly people, so they would have the nursing staff to help take care of my mom.
The Hanley Center just called to let us know that my mom was not cooperating (even though SHE decided to go to rehab...it's VOLUNTARY) and that we (my brother, sister and I) need to have a group phone call with my mom to "decide what the next step is".
It is so infuriating. I spoke with my mom yesterday and she was just angry and agitated. She "doesn't want to be there". She "misses home". I just have no sympathy. I hate her so much right now. I just don't get it. Is it the mental illness that makes it SO difficult to get through to her?
Why does she want to die like this?
My mom was at Caron (their website) for less than a week before they called to say that they could "not care for her physical needs". I guess they initially thought that they could, but then changed their minds. My mom's therapist also called to tell me my mom was one of the most difficult clients they had ever had because she wouldn't really participate in the program (she was just going through the motions) and denied that she was an alcoholic.
I understand that my mom is a difficult client, but is she really unreachable? She's 56 years old and she's going to die if she keeps drinking. I just don't get it.
Anyway, so then Caron told us that they would pro-rate the $30,000 we paid them (WHY IS REHAB SO EXPENSIVE?) and send her to the Hanley Center (website here), which is a rehab center that caters to elderly people, so they would have the nursing staff to help take care of my mom.
The Hanley Center just called to let us know that my mom was not cooperating (even though SHE decided to go to rehab...it's VOLUNTARY) and that we (my brother, sister and I) need to have a group phone call with my mom to "decide what the next step is".
It is so infuriating. I spoke with my mom yesterday and she was just angry and agitated. She "doesn't want to be there". She "misses home". I just have no sympathy. I hate her so much right now. I just don't get it. Is it the mental illness that makes it SO difficult to get through to her?
Why does she want to die like this?
Monday, June 20, 2011
From the psych ward to REHAB
My mom stayed in the psych ward for a little over a week. I am just not convinced that locking people away from the community is the best form of treatment. I understand that some people are a danger to themselves or others, but the "locking up" part just seems so detrimental to a person's spirit. Is isolating people with mental illnesses really all we've got?
I need to read more about community-based living for people with mental illnesses.
Anyway, trying to get my mom transferred to a private care rehab center was a NIGHTMARE. The hospital did not want to help with that at all (even though they stressed the importance of an aftercare plan). It was so frustrating. No one would send her records (even after a medical release), speak with the treatment facilities, or even us. They would hide in their break room and refuse to speak with us. I'm angry just thinking about it now. Ugh.
I started to wonder if we were we an overbearing family, but even if we were...I'd rather have someone looking out for my mom's best interests. This hospital was like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Just awful. The psychiatrist who first saw my mom said that he would never send someone in HIS family to this hospital.
Good question to ask staff: What would you do if this were your mom/family member?
Anyway, my mom finally was transferred to a treatment center called Caron (read about it here) that said they would be able to handle my mom's:
1. alcohol addiction
2. mental illness
3. physical problems
....even though they actually couldn't.
I need to read more about community-based living for people with mental illnesses.
Anyway, trying to get my mom transferred to a private care rehab center was a NIGHTMARE. The hospital did not want to help with that at all (even though they stressed the importance of an aftercare plan). It was so frustrating. No one would send her records (even after a medical release), speak with the treatment facilities, or even us. They would hide in their break room and refuse to speak with us. I'm angry just thinking about it now. Ugh.
I started to wonder if we were we an overbearing family, but even if we were...I'd rather have someone looking out for my mom's best interests. This hospital was like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Just awful. The psychiatrist who first saw my mom said that he would never send someone in HIS family to this hospital.
Good question to ask staff: What would you do if this were your mom/family member?
Anyway, my mom finally was transferred to a treatment center called Caron (read about it here) that said they would be able to handle my mom's:
1. alcohol addiction
2. mental illness
3. physical problems
....even though they actually couldn't.
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