I've been going to Alanon (here) and they stress that you should focus on YOURSELF. That way of thinking has inspired this post. I need to think about how I am feeling in response to all of this.
I have been numbing, especially since my mom's psychotic episode. I felt like I needed to be in control and be the calm, collected one. I didn't react to seeing my mom slip into this bizarre, scary psychosis. I couldn't. Thinking about it now, it makes me sad. I feel so sad that my mom is truly ill. It's easier to ignore depression (even when it got as severe as it did with my mom). But seeing my mom like that breaks my heart.
I also feel scared. Knowing that those genes are in my body and dormant. Waiting to be triggered possibly.
I'm having a hard time taking care of myself too. This whole summer has been about my mom and taking care of her. Even when I wasn't with her, I was having anxiety about her situation and it's "up-in-the-air-ness".
And now that she is here and staying with me, I feel so much pressure about taking care of her. It's so complicated and when people tell me "take care of yourself first" -- it just feels IMPOSSIBLE. Like they don't get how complicated this situation is. I don't know.
I feel annoyed and I want my own space. I wish I weren't put in this position. I wish a lot of things. I wish I wouldn't slip into depression. I wish my mom were well. I wish I weren't jealous of other people whose moms can take care of themselves (and their kids). I know I'm an adult, but that's how it feels.
I feel exhausted.
I suggest that you talk to your Mom's social worker at the hospital. Explain to her your feelings as you did here. I commend you for being so honest. The social worker should know what options are available. My father lived in group homes for many years. He was psychotic when he went off his meds. I am Bipolar I with psychotic conditions. I am not ashamed of it. It is who I am. I also had a fear of becoming sick like my parent. I did not identify this fear for many years. Your mother's alcoholism may make it more difficult to find the correct medications for her. Her years of self medicating has probably affected her brain chemistry. She may need long term treatment, or at least long term follow up care. I think that the Professionals will give you the best options for both you and your Mom.
ReplyDeleteI forgot that I wanted to quote, (paraphrased) Dr. Kay Jamison, author of "An Unquiet Mind" and the leading authority on Bipolar Disorder. She has said that Bipolar Disorder is a treatable illness and that there is always hope. I recommend reading the book which details her own life with Bipolar Disorder.
ReplyDeleteYou know I know EXACTLY how you feel right now. I have been in your exact spot. I go through waves of the depression now. But I have had 5 long hard years of coping and coming to terms with this, and without her daily presence. Your situation is so very new and raw. Alanon is a great start - maybe the next thing you could do is find a counselor... It would give you a safe space to talk about your own struggles, not just your moms. I agree with Douglas. You need outside help to come up with a long term care plan. Having your mom on your couch doesn't sound like a healthy long term plan for either of you. Here for you!! Email if you need.
ReplyDelete@douglas: thanks, i will ask professionals because some resources for her/me to help with her care will be needed. the BD is more under control right now than it has been since her diagnosis. it's just all of the physical problems from drinking and smoking now. that's what ill need help with. it's hard bc she does have "cognitive deficits" from drinking -- it's like having dementia. so that's hard bc she doesnt understand that she cant drive or understand to clean up when she soils herself. but im focusing on the good things and im happy my mom is here : )
ReplyDelete@HMD: thanks for your support -- i really appreciate it. i feel like an outsider at alanon. i wish there was a "my parent is bipolar and an addict" group. i have a therapist who i can talk to too, which has been nice. having my mom on my couch/with no help and support is not working out. im going to try to find some services that will come help my mom/spend time with her. she needs a life! and so do i : )
Hey! I relate too. I agree with what HDM said. You're so selfless for helping your mom when she needs it- but you're allowed to take care of yourself while your at it. Being able to get away is completely justifiable.
ReplyDeleteYou're strong.. I'm really impressed. Thanks for being honest