I feel hopeless tonight. It was a bad day. I've been starting every day with jolting out of bed because I get a text or email or call about my mom leaving rehab, not doing well, needing something.
I resent always thinking about her situation and then trying not to think about it and failing.
I've putting off my own feelings for a while now and trying to "be there" and "do the right thing" for my mom and today everything unraveled.
My mom has been threatening to leave rehab and she states she will continue to drink the minute she gets out. Even though it will kill her within 3 months. She fails to make that connection. She believes it isn't as bad as everyone is making it seem.
She cannot understand rationality.
I have been so fed up by her threats and resistance to this once in a lifetime (and expensive) chance to be at rehab.
Today she called everyone in my family asking for help to buy plane tickets home. Everyone said no. When she called me, I picked up without thinking. Without realizing how fragile I am today.
My GRE is in 3 days and I haven't studied one bit. I can't concentrate. I've been irrationally angry all day. I feel like I'm ruining everything I've been working for. I feel stupid for having the goals that I have. My stress levels are too high.
So when my mom called me and was complaining and threatening to leave, I lost it. I yelled that I hated her and that if she leaves the program I won't talk to her again and I won't help her at all. Then I said I hated her and hung up.
It felt awful.
So I called my brother for support and he said, "If you can't handle speaking to mom in a normal way, then you shouldn't talk to her".
That is probably true but not what I needed to hear. Then I hung up on him. My mother hangs up on people all of the time. And I hate it. I hate that I do it too. I hate that I am like my mother in so many ways. I hate her right now. I wish she would just open her fucking eyes.
I wish I didn't have this horrible, hateful, resentful feeling right now. But I do. I feel hopeless tonight. And I'm embarrassed to admit it because I hate thinking this post will make other people feel that way too or that they will judge me for feeling like this.
I think you are frustrated by the fact that your mother is not thinking rationally. This feeling is justifiable considering the great lengths that you gone to try to get her help. The trick is how to deal with this justifiable frustration. One way is to post your feelings here, I hope you feel better. Another way is to have trust in a power greater than yourself, and turn it over to the God of your understanding.
ReplyDeleteI am not religious but I try to be spiritual.
Good Luck.
I hear your frustration and pain, and I certainly do not judge you for it. That is a tough situation you are in. I would be angry too. There have been similar circumstances where I have lost it with my boys. I know it isn't a good feeling. I don't want to lecture you or anything like that, I hope that you feel heard, but just remember, as hard as it might be, you are not responsible for you mother's actions. Regardless, I know it is painful. Hang in there
ReplyDelete@Douglas -- thank you so much for the comment. I did need to deal with the frustration. I did it by walking away and taking some time for myself :)
ReplyDelete@Chuck -- thank you for not judging me. it's really weird how i monitor myself knowing that a few people might read this.