I'm feeling really hopeless today. I'm saying today, but I've been feeling really down for a while. I feel like my mom's situation has taken over my entire life and it's not getting any better.
Here's an update about what has been going on with her: I've been getting calls (and I say "I" not "we" since my brother and sister have been MIA...especially my sister) from the rehab about my mom's hygiene (from the previous posts) and just about how she has not made any progress. Everyone is frustrated with her at rehab because she openly admits that she is going to drink the moment she gets out, even though she has cirrhosis and it is going to kill her...quickly.
My mom's good friend (who is a Dr.) wanted to know how much of this "unwillingness" (to shower, to understand that drinking will kill her, etc.) is from mental illness (bipolar disorder) versus brain damage from drinking. I'm going to copy and paste some email exchanges:
FROM MY AUNT...
On Mon, Jul 25, 2011 at 9:40 AM:
In particular you need the result of any imaging of the brain (CT scan, MRI) and any update on your mom's psychiatric diagnoses now that she has been on medications for some weeks/months including prognoses and recommended therapy (not just meds but post-discharge support recommendations). I would be very interested to know about the degree of brain atrophy present and its pattern. As we discussed on the phone, there are some distinguishing features between the atrophy of senility or natural aging and that of chronic alcohol abuse (called Wenicke-Korsakoff which you can read about here). The atrophic changes are irreversible and, particularly if they are of the classic alcohol related type, would be helpful in attempting to predict her future function capacity. While this may in fact be bad news it would at least let us try to play the ball where it lies rather than wonder.
MY RESPONSE AFTER SPEAKING WITH THE NURSE AT REHAB:
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2011 12:01PM:
So I just spoke with the psychiatric nurse and she said that Mom refused the spec scan, so they don't have anything to go by with that. But she did say that she spoke with the Dr and other nurses about mom (they all remember her) and she said that they all strongly believe that mom has irreparable damage to her brain and that she will never be able to understand that she can't drink or anything like that. They said she doesn't think mom will get any better than this. It's been almost 90 days of not drinking and if she was going to improve, she would have.
I asked her if she thought any of this could be bipolar related and she said that she couldn't say for sure, but she thinks it's damage from alcohol. She believes mom will never be able to live independently again.
She said mom could always go see a specialist for a brain scan once she's out of gate lodge, but she thinks mom will begin drinking immediately and things will start to deteriorate before we could even get an appointment.
Not sure what the next step is.
MY AUNT'S RESPONSE TODAY...
Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2011 1:00PM:
I'm afraid this is pretty much what I was thinking but I wanted to hear what her caregivers thought and hoped there would be an imaging study to confirm. For someone with radiology training like me I always want the clinical picture and imaging picture to support each other. Your description of your mom's conversation and behavior suggests a concreteness that is typical of chronic alcoholic encephalopathy or brain damage as we discussed before. This is irreversible. Honestly, I think chronic institutionalization is the only way to keep her alive. While not a pleasant environment from a normal person's point of view she has demonstrated the ability to establish a routine in such a setting at ECMC and these other places despite her complaints. This would cost money for a private setting and would certainly suck dry her remaining assets then end up with her as a ward of the state if she outlives her assets. Or you could consider legal advice as to how to distribute her assets to you kids and go right to ward of the state type status. Or you could follow her brother's thought as to finding her a small rental apartment where she can't get herself or anyone else in too much trouble and let her just finish out the process with her drinking. It is not likely to take a great deal of time if she is left alone. This both sounds and feels harsh to me but I do not see any "good" option here. She has done too much damage. I think the effort was worthwhile because none of us was ready to see her die in May which was about to happen. Also we all now know that we have done what could be done to try to save her.
So, now I'm here. I feel so depressed about all of this. I don't want to institutionalize her (and don't know if I could even if I wanted to). It feels unacceptable to me to let my mom go back home, get an apartment, and then drink herself to death. Soon. I can't imagine not calling my mom, not seeing her, not sharing things with her, not having her in my life. I do not feel ready to let her go. I'm 25 and my mom is 55. She is too young to die.
I talked to my boyfriend and he doesn't really want her to come live with us. I'm sure not that's really a viable option anyway since her health insurance is only good in New York State and I live in Colorado. She might never be insured again if she moved out of New York.
Do I move to New York? Leave my life here? My boyfriend, home, cat, support, job?? I feel hopeless. I have no idea what to do and I have 2 weeks and one day before my mom gets out of rehab. I need to figure out it and I have no idea what to do.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
My mom won't shower...
My mom is in trouble at her new rehab place for refusing to shower. People are complaining about her hygiene.
I found this article (below) here...
Why Don’t We Want to Shower When We’re Sick?
I know this seems like an odd question, but I was considering it this morning (in my shower). It is a common problem for people with a mental illness. I have a tendency to avoid showering (really) and I know of others with a mental illness have gone weeks without showing.
So, if all we’re talking about is standing in some warm water, why don’t we want to shower?
I think there is a tetrad of reasons, experienced according to mood: fatigue, crazy, self-hatred and pain.
Too Tired to Shower
If you’ve been seriously ill, mentally or physically, you know energy is in short supply. Sometimes it takes the effort of a thousand men just to open your eyes and get out of bed in the morning. Every muscle flex, joint bend, or even a thought is overwhelmingly exhausting.
And if you only have enough energy to accomplish two small goals that day, you might pick eating and paying the power bill. Both of these things are more important than showering. (And of course, you might not be lucky enough to have even that much energy.)
Too Crazy to Shower
Then there’s the other end of the spectrum. Hypomania (mania) is the fastest time on planet earth. Nothing holds my attention long enough to do it and I’m vastly annoyed at how slowly everything moves. I end up finding myself watching TV while doing yoga and writing the first scene of a book in my head. And then I look at the clock. Five minutes have gone by, but in my brain they’ve felt like 60.
And due to my extreme inattention and annoyance at single-threaded slowness, a shower sounds like the most boring thing in the world. Ever. It wouldn’t even occur to me to bother with one.
Too Hateful to Shower
Those first two I think are obvious, but I think this one is more subconscious and insidious. I sometimes find I don’t want to shower because I hate my bodymy existence) and therefore don’t want to be naked - rather a requirement for taking a shower. It’s not a conscious lack of self-care, or purposeful denial of pleasure, or low self-esteem, or any other therapy-esque interpretation you’re likely to find. It’s just that me, my body, feels really grimy and I don’t want any further proof of its existence. I want to pretend it’s not there. It hurts less to pretend it, myself, doesn’t exist. (I suspect this is an aspect of dissociation. I’m a dissociator from way back.)
But Showers Feel Good
Ah, spoken like a normal person. No, they really don’t. I mean, sometimes they do, sure. Warm water, citrus bodywash, what’s not to like?
It’s complicated.
When I’m in pain I want to put up additional barriers between me and the world. Some subconscious part of me is thinking extra clothes and blankets over my head will save me from my brain. Being naked removes barriers. And I can’t have that.
And I’m not exactly sure how to explain it other than to say the water is painful. It feels like an attack. It feels like I’m in so much pain already that a breeze grazing my skin makes me want to cry.
And I’m really, really trying hard not to think about that pain. That’s the stuff of death. So the last thing I need is to have shards of water splitting through my skin. I don’t want to shower; I’m in enough pain already.
Does anyone have experience with this in relation to depression or bipolar disorder?
I found this article (below) here...
Why Don’t We Want to Shower When We’re Sick?
I know this seems like an odd question, but I was considering it this morning (in my shower). It is a common problem for people with a mental illness. I have a tendency to avoid showering (really) and I know of others with a mental illness have gone weeks without showing.
So, if all we’re talking about is standing in some warm water, why don’t we want to shower?
I think there is a tetrad of reasons, experienced according to mood: fatigue, crazy, self-hatred and pain.
Too Tired to Shower
If you’ve been seriously ill, mentally or physically, you know energy is in short supply. Sometimes it takes the effort of a thousand men just to open your eyes and get out of bed in the morning. Every muscle flex, joint bend, or even a thought is overwhelmingly exhausting.
And if you only have enough energy to accomplish two small goals that day, you might pick eating and paying the power bill. Both of these things are more important than showering. (And of course, you might not be lucky enough to have even that much energy.)
Too Crazy to Shower
Then there’s the other end of the spectrum. Hypomania (mania) is the fastest time on planet earth. Nothing holds my attention long enough to do it and I’m vastly annoyed at how slowly everything moves. I end up finding myself watching TV while doing yoga and writing the first scene of a book in my head. And then I look at the clock. Five minutes have gone by, but in my brain they’ve felt like 60.
And due to my extreme inattention and annoyance at single-threaded slowness, a shower sounds like the most boring thing in the world. Ever. It wouldn’t even occur to me to bother with one.
Too Hateful to Shower
Those first two I think are obvious, but I think this one is more subconscious and insidious. I sometimes find I don’t want to shower because I hate my bodymy existence) and therefore don’t want to be naked - rather a requirement for taking a shower. It’s not a conscious lack of self-care, or purposeful denial of pleasure, or low self-esteem, or any other therapy-esque interpretation you’re likely to find. It’s just that me, my body, feels really grimy and I don’t want any further proof of its existence. I want to pretend it’s not there. It hurts less to pretend it, myself, doesn’t exist. (I suspect this is an aspect of dissociation. I’m a dissociator from way back.)
But Showers Feel Good
Ah, spoken like a normal person. No, they really don’t. I mean, sometimes they do, sure. Warm water, citrus bodywash, what’s not to like?
It’s complicated.
When I’m in pain I want to put up additional barriers between me and the world. Some subconscious part of me is thinking extra clothes and blankets over my head will save me from my brain. Being naked removes barriers. And I can’t have that.
And I’m not exactly sure how to explain it other than to say the water is painful. It feels like an attack. It feels like I’m in so much pain already that a breeze grazing my skin makes me want to cry.
And I’m really, really trying hard not to think about that pain. That’s the stuff of death. So the last thing I need is to have shards of water splitting through my skin. I don’t want to shower; I’m in enough pain already.
Does anyone have experience with this in relation to depression or bipolar disorder?
My Mom at Gate Lodge
So, my mom is at Gate Lodge and not doing well. She has been getting in trouble for not participating with the program (giving people one word answers, no willingness to stop drinking, hiding food)...and now they are seriously worried about her hygiene.
Her hygiene: she has not showered in ~1 year and she has bouts of fecal incontinence. They had to force her to get in the shower, which she did. But then they realized that she was not using soap, so now they have to watch her bathe.
She says that the water irritates her skin. I'm not sure what to make of this. Any thoughts?
Her hygiene: she has not showered in ~1 year and she has bouts of fecal incontinence. They had to force her to get in the shower, which she did. But then they realized that she was not using soap, so now they have to watch her bathe.
She says that the water irritates her skin. I'm not sure what to make of this. Any thoughts?
A new update about my mom
The hardest thing about family program was hearing everyone say that my mom was hopeless. She was not committed to the program and had no intention of trying to stop drinking. She also was sneaking (typical alcoholic behavior) food into her room...not to eat, just to hoard. Also, she still looks awful. She has gained about 10 pounds, but she still looks emaciated and not like my mom.
The one successful thing about family weekend at Hanley was the meeting I had with my mom and her counselor. My mom VERY begrudgingly agreed to go to 28 more days of inpatient at a cheaper/less intense chapter of Hanley, called Gate Lodge (read about it here).
My mom was SO angry because we threatened to Marchman Act her for 60 days or she could voluntarily agree to go to Gate Lodge for 28 days. She wouldn't talked to me for the last few hours I was there to visit. She played cards with me, but wouldn't speak with me.
So, now she's at Gate Lodge and still not doing well.
The one successful thing about family weekend at Hanley was the meeting I had with my mom and her counselor. My mom VERY begrudgingly agreed to go to 28 more days of inpatient at a cheaper/less intense chapter of Hanley, called Gate Lodge (read about it here).
My mom was SO angry because we threatened to Marchman Act her for 60 days or she could voluntarily agree to go to Gate Lodge for 28 days. She wouldn't talked to me for the last few hours I was there to visit. She played cards with me, but wouldn't speak with me.
So, now she's at Gate Lodge and still not doing well.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Last few things I learned...
CODEPENDENCY...
I AM POWERLESS TO MY MOM'S ADDICTION.
My life is controlled by my mom's addiction.
By enabling, I am not rescuing my mom...it only rescues her disease.
Stress comes from not reacting or dealing with your emotions.
DETACH: Don't Even Think About Changing Her
I AM POWERLESS TO MY MOM'S ADDICTION.
My life is controlled by my mom's addiction.
By enabling, I am not rescuing my mom...it only rescues her disease.
Stress comes from not reacting or dealing with your emotions.
DETACH: Don't Even Think About Changing Her
A litte acronym for you...
Addictive/compulsive behavior or marry addicts
Delusional thinking and denial about family of origin
Unmercifully judgmental of self or others
Lack good boundaries
Tolerate inappropriate behavior
Constantly seek approval
Have difficulty with intimate relationships
Incur guilt when standing up for self
Lie when it would just as easy to tell the truth
Disabled will
Reactive rather than creative
Extremely loyal to a fault
Numbed out
Overreact to changes over which they have no control
Feel different from other people
Anxious and hypervigilant
Low self-worth and internalize shame
Confuse love and pity
Overly rigid and serious, or just the opposite
Have difficulty finishing projects
Overly dependent and terrified of abandonment
Live life as a victim or offender
Intimidated by anger and personal criticism, or overly independent
Control madness -- have an excessive need to control
Super-responsible or super-irresponsible
Delusional thinking and denial about family of origin
Unmercifully judgmental of self or others
Lack good boundaries
Tolerate inappropriate behavior
Constantly seek approval
Have difficulty with intimate relationships
Incur guilt when standing up for self
Lie when it would just as easy to tell the truth
Disabled will
Reactive rather than creative
Extremely loyal to a fault
Numbed out
Overreact to changes over which they have no control
Feel different from other people
Anxious and hypervigilant
Low self-worth and internalize shame
Confuse love and pity
Overly rigid and serious, or just the opposite
Have difficulty finishing projects
Overly dependent and terrified of abandonment
Live life as a victim or offender
Intimidated by anger and personal criticism, or overly independent
Control madness -- have an excessive need to control
Super-responsible or super-irresponsible
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