I'm going to the family weekend at Hanley and got an email asking for more info. Here it is...
The Family Program provides family members with an opportunity to gain insight into the ways in which they have been affected by the family disease of chemical dependency and to learn how to recover from the effects of the disease. Alcoholics and addicts, and those who love them and are closest to them, are affected physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually. As the disease progresses, many family members become so focused on the addict or alcoholic that they lose the ability to take care of themselves.
Physically, you may suffer from stress-related illnesses. You may not be eating well, sleeping well or exercising.
Mentally, you can become obsessed, preoccupied and forgetful. You may have a hard time concentrating because of worry and racing thoughts. You can also develop mental defenses similar to the addict or alcoholic, such as denial and minimization.
Emotionally, you may be anxious, fearful, depressed, lonely, angry and overwhelmed, but the common way for dealing with these feelings is to bury them. Burying feelings can result in physical problems and overreacting to minor incidents because of a buildup of unresolved tension.
Socially, you might withdraw and become isolated, ceasing to participate in activities and hobbies that were once enjoyable. You can become disconnected from yourself, others and life.
Spiritually, you might find yourself violating your values to protect the addict or alcoholic and over time begin to lose faith, hope and a purpose for living.
Hanley Center’s Family Program is an educational, supportive and nonconfrontational group experience for family members, friends and significant others who have been affected by another person’s alcoholism and chemical dependency. The program consists of lectures, videos and group discussions on alcohol and drug addiction, relapse, family dynamics and the effects of addiction on children as well as the recovery process. Family Program participants also receive information about Al-Anon, CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous), and other 12-Step support groups to assist in their recovery.
The group consists of family members and patients at the Hanley Center who are not related to each other. This type of group creates an opportunity for alcoholics, addicts and family members to be able to share openly with each other without the typical emotional reactions and conflict that often occur within a chemically dependent family system. The result is that addicts, alcoholics and family members are able to gain a deeper awareness and understanding of each other. Each participant shares at the level that he or she feels comfortable. As group members share their feelings and experiences, they form meaningful connections with one another and begin to realize that they are not alone.
Who can attend?
The Family Program is offered to people in the community who have been affected by someone’s addiction and to anyone who has a loved one in treatment. Participants must be 18 years and older. Patients in residential treatment at the Hanley Center may have one person attend the Family Program at no charge. The cost of hotel accommodations is also included for those who reside outside Palm Beach County. Other family members and significant others may attend at an additional fee.
How can it benefit me? Why do I need to participate?
The Family Program provides valuable information, support and encouragement to individuals affected by another person’s addiction. Many family members are unaware of how deeply they have been affected by their loved one’s addiction and they may be confused about their role in supporting their loved one in recovery. Participants can discuss their concerns and ask questions so that they can make well-informed decisions. Groups are facilitated by Family Program counselors.
When is the Family Program offered?
The Family Program is a three-day program, beginning Friday morning and ending Sunday afternoon. It is offered every weekend. Call 1-800-444-7008 or 561-841-1000 to register or to receive additional information.
Do I need to participate in all three days?
Participants are expected to attend all three days. The program is sequential in nature. Each session builds on the material covered in the previous session.
If I am not able to attend the Family Program while my loved one is in treatment, can I come at another time?
Patients participate in the Family Program while they are in treatment. If you cannot attend the Family Program while your loved one is in treatment, you have up to one year from your loved one’s discharge date to take advantage of the free Family Program weekend (free for one family member).
Can my children participate in the Family Program?
The Family Program is designed for adults 18 and older. If you live in the area, you can bring your children to the Kids and Teens Place on Thursday evening, which is facilitated by the Prevention Department. For more information call 561-841-1214.
Can I visit with my loved one while I am in the Family Program?
Yes, you can spend time with your loved one during visitation which is scheduled every afternoon.
*all info taken from The Hanley Center website
Thursday, July 7, 2011
When a loved one is depressed...
When a partner is depressed, these tips from Families for Depression Awareness can help keep your own mental health in balance:
Remember it’s not your fault. Depression in your partner is a medical condition, not the result of something you said or did.
Recognize normal reactions. Along with compassion for your partner, don’t be surprised to feel frustration, anger, and even hatred. It is extremely difficult not to take symptoms such as withdrawal and irritability personally. Also common are resentment because your life has changed and grief because the person you love seems to be gone. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling to deal with your emotions.
Don’t be a martyr. No matter how hard it seems, be sure to schedule time for activities that you enjoy. If you are taking on extra responsibilities around the house or in overseeing your partner’s treatment, look for other family members, friends, or even service professionals (a housecleaner, for example) who can take on some tasks.
Find social support. Dealing with depression in a partner can be isolating. Make the effort to spend time with friends who are able to sympathize and provide emotional sustenance. Seek out peer support groups for families of people with depression.
Be part of the solution. Learning more about depression and how to provide useful support—as well as knowing what not to do—can improve treatment outcomes for your partner. The better your partner gets, the more pressure that takes off you and your relationship. Couples counseling helps address issues arising from the depression.
Have hope. You may feel rejected and discouraged when nothing you do to help your partner seems to work. Keep in mind that depression is often cyclical—worse at times, easier to manage at others—and finding the right treatment may take time. And remember that 80 percent of people with depression improve with treatment.
*taken from: http://www.hopetocope.com/Item.aspx/745/the-ripple-effect
Remember it’s not your fault. Depression in your partner is a medical condition, not the result of something you said or did.
Recognize normal reactions. Along with compassion for your partner, don’t be surprised to feel frustration, anger, and even hatred. It is extremely difficult not to take symptoms such as withdrawal and irritability personally. Also common are resentment because your life has changed and grief because the person you love seems to be gone. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling to deal with your emotions.
Don’t be a martyr. No matter how hard it seems, be sure to schedule time for activities that you enjoy. If you are taking on extra responsibilities around the house or in overseeing your partner’s treatment, look for other family members, friends, or even service professionals (a housecleaner, for example) who can take on some tasks.
Find social support. Dealing with depression in a partner can be isolating. Make the effort to spend time with friends who are able to sympathize and provide emotional sustenance. Seek out peer support groups for families of people with depression.
Be part of the solution. Learning more about depression and how to provide useful support—as well as knowing what not to do—can improve treatment outcomes for your partner. The better your partner gets, the more pressure that takes off you and your relationship. Couples counseling helps address issues arising from the depression.
Have hope. You may feel rejected and discouraged when nothing you do to help your partner seems to work. Keep in mind that depression is often cyclical—worse at times, easier to manage at others—and finding the right treatment may take time. And remember that 80 percent of people with depression improve with treatment.
*taken from: http://www.hopetocope.com/Item.aspx/745/the-ripple-effect
Monday, June 27, 2011
Today...
I feel hopeless tonight. It was a bad day. I've been starting every day with jolting out of bed because I get a text or email or call about my mom leaving rehab, not doing well, needing something.
I resent always thinking about her situation and then trying not to think about it and failing.
I've putting off my own feelings for a while now and trying to "be there" and "do the right thing" for my mom and today everything unraveled.
My mom has been threatening to leave rehab and she states she will continue to drink the minute she gets out. Even though it will kill her within 3 months. She fails to make that connection. She believes it isn't as bad as everyone is making it seem.
She cannot understand rationality.
I have been so fed up by her threats and resistance to this once in a lifetime (and expensive) chance to be at rehab.
Today she called everyone in my family asking for help to buy plane tickets home. Everyone said no. When she called me, I picked up without thinking. Without realizing how fragile I am today.
My GRE is in 3 days and I haven't studied one bit. I can't concentrate. I've been irrationally angry all day. I feel like I'm ruining everything I've been working for. I feel stupid for having the goals that I have. My stress levels are too high.
So when my mom called me and was complaining and threatening to leave, I lost it. I yelled that I hated her and that if she leaves the program I won't talk to her again and I won't help her at all. Then I said I hated her and hung up.
It felt awful.
So I called my brother for support and he said, "If you can't handle speaking to mom in a normal way, then you shouldn't talk to her".
That is probably true but not what I needed to hear. Then I hung up on him. My mother hangs up on people all of the time. And I hate it. I hate that I do it too. I hate that I am like my mother in so many ways. I hate her right now. I wish she would just open her fucking eyes.
I wish I didn't have this horrible, hateful, resentful feeling right now. But I do. I feel hopeless tonight. And I'm embarrassed to admit it because I hate thinking this post will make other people feel that way too or that they will judge me for feeling like this.
I resent always thinking about her situation and then trying not to think about it and failing.
I've putting off my own feelings for a while now and trying to "be there" and "do the right thing" for my mom and today everything unraveled.
My mom has been threatening to leave rehab and she states she will continue to drink the minute she gets out. Even though it will kill her within 3 months. She fails to make that connection. She believes it isn't as bad as everyone is making it seem.
She cannot understand rationality.
I have been so fed up by her threats and resistance to this once in a lifetime (and expensive) chance to be at rehab.
Today she called everyone in my family asking for help to buy plane tickets home. Everyone said no. When she called me, I picked up without thinking. Without realizing how fragile I am today.
My GRE is in 3 days and I haven't studied one bit. I can't concentrate. I've been irrationally angry all day. I feel like I'm ruining everything I've been working for. I feel stupid for having the goals that I have. My stress levels are too high.
So when my mom called me and was complaining and threatening to leave, I lost it. I yelled that I hated her and that if she leaves the program I won't talk to her again and I won't help her at all. Then I said I hated her and hung up.
It felt awful.
So I called my brother for support and he said, "If you can't handle speaking to mom in a normal way, then you shouldn't talk to her".
That is probably true but not what I needed to hear. Then I hung up on him. My mother hangs up on people all of the time. And I hate it. I hate that I do it too. I hate that I am like my mother in so many ways. I hate her right now. I wish she would just open her fucking eyes.
I wish I didn't have this horrible, hateful, resentful feeling right now. But I do. I feel hopeless tonight. And I'm embarrassed to admit it because I hate thinking this post will make other people feel that way too or that they will judge me for feeling like this.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Something I've been thinking about lately...
1. Do you have a hard time saying no to others, even when you are very busy, financially broke, or completely exhausted?
2. Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else?
3. Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role?
4. If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless?
5. Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn’t revolve around you being the “helper”?
6. If your friends eventually didn’t need your help, would you still be friends with them? Or would you look around for someone else to help?
7. Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives?
8. Do you sometimes feel like more of a social worker than a friend in your relationships?
9. Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships?
10. Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another?
11. Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems?
12. Are many of your friends addicts, or do they have serious emotional and social problems?
13. As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning?
14. As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the “dependable one”?
If you answered “yes” to a lot of these questions, you may indeed have a problem with co-dependency. This does not mean that you are a flawed person. It means that you are spending a lot of energy on other people and very little on yourself. If it seems that a lot of your friendships are based on co-dependent rescuing behaviors, rather than on mutual liking and respect between equals, you may wish to step back and rethink your role in relationships.If you suspect that your helping behavior is a form of co-dependency, a good therapist or counselor can help you gain perspective on your actions and learn a more balanced way of relating to others.
*found here: http://addictionrecoverybasics.com/are-you-codependent-quick-quiz-reveals-codependency/
Another quiz can be taken here: http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/4513150/are-you-codependent
Do your results indicate you're co-dependent? Do you think you are?
2. Are you always sacrificing your own needs for everyone else?
3. Do you feel more worthy as a human being because you have taken on a helping role?
4. If you stopped helping your friends, would you feel guilty or worthless?
5. Would you know how to be in a friendship that doesn’t revolve around you being the “helper”?
6. If your friends eventually didn’t need your help, would you still be friends with them? Or would you look around for someone else to help?
7. Do you feel resentful when others are not grateful enough to you for your efforts at rescuing them or fixing their lives?
8. Do you sometimes feel like more of a social worker than a friend in your relationships?
9. Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other people? Is the role of helping others a much more natural role for you to play in your relationships?
10. Does it seem as if many of your friends have particularly chaotic lives, with one crisis after another?
11. Did you grow up in a family that had a lot of emotional chaos or addiction problems?
12. Are many of your friends addicts, or do they have serious emotional and social problems?
13. As you were growing up, did you think it was up to you to keep the family functioning?
14. As an adult, is it important for you to be thought of as the “dependable one”?
If you answered “yes” to a lot of these questions, you may indeed have a problem with co-dependency. This does not mean that you are a flawed person. It means that you are spending a lot of energy on other people and very little on yourself. If it seems that a lot of your friendships are based on co-dependent rescuing behaviors, rather than on mutual liking and respect between equals, you may wish to step back and rethink your role in relationships.If you suspect that your helping behavior is a form of co-dependency, a good therapist or counselor can help you gain perspective on your actions and learn a more balanced way of relating to others.
*found here: http://addictionrecoverybasics.com/are-you-codependent-quick-quiz-reveals-codependency/
Another quiz can be taken here: http://quizilla.teennick.com/quizzes/4513150/are-you-codependent
Do your results indicate you're co-dependent? Do you think you are?
Friday, June 24, 2011
Marsha Linehan
Really interesting article about the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (read about DBT here), Marsha Linehan's struggles with suicide and self destructive behaviors that led to her own hospitalizations and ECT treatments.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=marsha&st=cse
I think that so brave of Dr. Linehan to come out with this personal, personal story. It just goes to show that people with mental health issues CAN get better and be successful people. It also shows how serious the stigma is...that a person who understands and treats people with mental illnesses had such a difficult time coming out with her own personal story.
Amazing.
You can read more about Dr. Linehan and her work on her website at the University of Washington (Seattle) here.
I'm also going to post some videos from youtube about DBT here and here.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Maybe I need to perk up...
I just read this blog entry: http://www.bphope.com/bphopeblog/post/Positive-and-Negative-Thinking-is-Contagious.aspx
and it made me think. I've been feeling so stressed, so down, so blah about the situation with my mom. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what I can do. What anyone can do.
Small update: we're (her addiction counselor, my brother, sister and moi) having a phone conversation with my mom tomorrow to try to get her to stay and take the program more seriously. I spoke with my mom today and I just don't feel hopeful. She just doesn't want to stay at rehab.
DarkHorizon left a comment on my blog yesterday and said: "she doesn't know she has a problem". And that is partly right. She doesn't know and she does know. The tricky thing is she knows on some level, but her mental illness makes her not care if she lives or dies. And the drinking is killing her.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Anyway. The point of this post is despite these horrible realities I'm dealing with right now, I think I need to find a way to bring myself some happiness.
Any suggestions?
and it made me think. I've been feeling so stressed, so down, so blah about the situation with my mom. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what I can do. What anyone can do.
Small update: we're (her addiction counselor, my brother, sister and moi) having a phone conversation with my mom tomorrow to try to get her to stay and take the program more seriously. I spoke with my mom today and I just don't feel hopeful. She just doesn't want to stay at rehab.
DarkHorizon left a comment on my blog yesterday and said: "she doesn't know she has a problem". And that is partly right. She doesn't know and she does know. The tricky thing is she knows on some level, but her mental illness makes her not care if she lives or dies. And the drinking is killing her.
What am I supposed to do with that?
Anyway. The point of this post is despite these horrible realities I'm dealing with right now, I think I need to find a way to bring myself some happiness.
Any suggestions?
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