The hardest thing about family program was hearing everyone say that my mom was hopeless. She was not committed to the program and had no intention of trying to stop drinking. She also was sneaking (typical alcoholic behavior) food into her room...not to eat, just to hoard. Also, she still looks awful. She has gained about 10 pounds, but she still looks emaciated and not like my mom.
The one successful thing about family weekend at Hanley was the meeting I had with my mom and her counselor. My mom VERY begrudgingly agreed to go to 28 more days of inpatient at a cheaper/less intense chapter of Hanley, called Gate Lodge (read about it here).
My mom was SO angry because we threatened to Marchman Act her for 60 days or she could voluntarily agree to go to Gate Lodge for 28 days. She wouldn't talked to me for the last few hours I was there to visit. She played cards with me, but wouldn't speak with me.
So, now she's at Gate Lodge and still not doing well.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Last few things I learned...
CODEPENDENCY...
I AM POWERLESS TO MY MOM'S ADDICTION.
My life is controlled by my mom's addiction.
By enabling, I am not rescuing my mom...it only rescues her disease.
Stress comes from not reacting or dealing with your emotions.
DETACH: Don't Even Think About Changing Her
I AM POWERLESS TO MY MOM'S ADDICTION.
My life is controlled by my mom's addiction.
By enabling, I am not rescuing my mom...it only rescues her disease.
Stress comes from not reacting or dealing with your emotions.
DETACH: Don't Even Think About Changing Her
A litte acronym for you...
Addictive/compulsive behavior or marry addicts
Delusional thinking and denial about family of origin
Unmercifully judgmental of self or others
Lack good boundaries
Tolerate inappropriate behavior
Constantly seek approval
Have difficulty with intimate relationships
Incur guilt when standing up for self
Lie when it would just as easy to tell the truth
Disabled will
Reactive rather than creative
Extremely loyal to a fault
Numbed out
Overreact to changes over which they have no control
Feel different from other people
Anxious and hypervigilant
Low self-worth and internalize shame
Confuse love and pity
Overly rigid and serious, or just the opposite
Have difficulty finishing projects
Overly dependent and terrified of abandonment
Live life as a victim or offender
Intimidated by anger and personal criticism, or overly independent
Control madness -- have an excessive need to control
Super-responsible or super-irresponsible
Delusional thinking and denial about family of origin
Unmercifully judgmental of self or others
Lack good boundaries
Tolerate inappropriate behavior
Constantly seek approval
Have difficulty with intimate relationships
Incur guilt when standing up for self
Lie when it would just as easy to tell the truth
Disabled will
Reactive rather than creative
Extremely loyal to a fault
Numbed out
Overreact to changes over which they have no control
Feel different from other people
Anxious and hypervigilant
Low self-worth and internalize shame
Confuse love and pity
Overly rigid and serious, or just the opposite
Have difficulty finishing projects
Overly dependent and terrified of abandonment
Live life as a victim or offender
Intimidated by anger and personal criticism, or overly independent
Control madness -- have an excessive need to control
Super-responsible or super-irresponsible
Family Roles in Addiction
We also learned about the family roles in addiction...
The Addict
The person with the addiction is the center, and though the key to alcohol and drug addiction recovery, not necessarily the most important in family recovery. The "world" revolves around this person, causing the addict to become the center of attention. As the roles are defined, the others unconsciously take on the rest of the roles to complete the balance after the problem has been introduced. Recovery many times on this person.
The Hero
The Hero is the one who needs to make the family, and role players, look good. They ignore the problem and present things in a positive manner as if the roles within the family did not exist. The Hero is the perfectionist. If they overcome this role they can play an important part in the addiction recovery process.
The underlying feelings are fear, guilt, and shame.
The Mascot
The Mascot's role is that of the jester. They will often make inappropriate jokes about the those involved. Though they do bring humor to the family roles, it is often harmful humor, and they sometimes hinder addiction recovery.
The underlying feelings are embarrassment, shame, and anger.
The Lost Child
The Lost Child is the silent, "out of the way" family member, and will never mention alcohol or recovery. They are quiet and reserved, careful to not make problems. The Lost Child gives up self needs and makes efforts to avoid any conversation regarding the underlying roles.
The underlying feelings are guilt, loneliness, neglect, and anger.
The Scapegoat
The Scapegoat often acts out in front of others. They will rebel, make noise, and divert attention from the person who is addicted and their need for help in addiction recovery. The Scapegoat covers or draws attention away from the real problem.
The underlying feelings are shame, guilt, and empty.
The Caretaker (Enabler)
The Caretaker (Enabler) makes all the other roles possible. They try to keep everyone happy and the family in balance, void of the issue. They make excuses for all behaviors and actions, and never mention addiction recovery or getting help. The Caretaker (Enabler) presents a situation without problems to the public.
The underlying feelings are inadequacy, fear, and helplessness.
*All info taken from here.
The Addict
The person with the addiction is the center, and though the key to alcohol and drug addiction recovery, not necessarily the most important in family recovery. The "world" revolves around this person, causing the addict to become the center of attention. As the roles are defined, the others unconsciously take on the rest of the roles to complete the balance after the problem has been introduced. Recovery many times on this person.
The Hero
The Hero is the one who needs to make the family, and role players, look good. They ignore the problem and present things in a positive manner as if the roles within the family did not exist. The Hero is the perfectionist. If they overcome this role they can play an important part in the addiction recovery process.
The underlying feelings are fear, guilt, and shame.
The Mascot
The Mascot's role is that of the jester. They will often make inappropriate jokes about the those involved. Though they do bring humor to the family roles, it is often harmful humor, and they sometimes hinder addiction recovery.
The underlying feelings are embarrassment, shame, and anger.
The Lost Child
The Lost Child is the silent, "out of the way" family member, and will never mention alcohol or recovery. They are quiet and reserved, careful to not make problems. The Lost Child gives up self needs and makes efforts to avoid any conversation regarding the underlying roles.
The underlying feelings are guilt, loneliness, neglect, and anger.
The Scapegoat
The Scapegoat often acts out in front of others. They will rebel, make noise, and divert attention from the person who is addicted and their need for help in addiction recovery. The Scapegoat covers or draws attention away from the real problem.
The underlying feelings are shame, guilt, and empty.
The Caretaker (Enabler)
The Caretaker (Enabler) makes all the other roles possible. They try to keep everyone happy and the family in balance, void of the issue. They make excuses for all behaviors and actions, and never mention addiction recovery or getting help. The Caretaker (Enabler) presents a situation without problems to the public.
The underlying feelings are inadequacy, fear, and helplessness.
*All info taken from here.
Family Weekend at Hanley Part 2
In family program, you stay with your group almost the entire time (there are 1-2 hours to visit with your loved one). You eat meals with your group and spend the rest of the day together in lectures about addiction.
We learned about the Jellinek Chart:
I thought that was interesting because I related to almost every part of it. It talks about how what happens to the chemically dependent person is mimicked by the family members.
For example:
Increased Tolerance: for the addict this means "needing more of the substance to obtain the desired effect", but for the family member is means "putting up with more of the using behaviors of the addict".
We also learned about enabling and other codependent behaviors. They encouraged us as family members to LET GO of our codependent tendencies.
I think that is partly why I had such a difficult time: letting go (for me) means letting my mom die. I cannot do that. I am not ready to.
We learned about the Jellinek Chart:
I thought that was interesting because I related to almost every part of it. It talks about how what happens to the chemically dependent person is mimicked by the family members.
For example:
Increased Tolerance: for the addict this means "needing more of the substance to obtain the desired effect", but for the family member is means "putting up with more of the using behaviors of the addict".
We also learned about enabling and other codependent behaviors. They encouraged us as family members to LET GO of our codependent tendencies.
I think that is partly why I had such a difficult time: letting go (for me) means letting my mom die. I cannot do that. I am not ready to.
Family Weekend at Hanley Part I
I'm back home after family weekend at Hanley (which you can read about here).
The family program was actually very difficult for me. I arrived on Thursday night at the hotel that Hanley pays for one family member to stay in and it was very nice. The next morning, Hanley arranged for the family members attending the program to be picked up at 7:30 am. Originally, my brother and sister were both going to attend with me, but they bailed at the last minute.
The idea of family program is to teach the family members how addiction is a family disease. It's like dominoes: the substance (alcohol, in my mom's case) knocks the addict down and then the addict knocks everyone else around them down.
Other helpful things we learned about addiction:
-addiction is about compulsivity (always worrying about the next drink)
-the first 12-18 months after quitting are the hardest
-alcoholism is a holistic disease (physical, emotional, mental, social, spiritual) & therefore so must the solution to the disease be
Anyway, I'll update more about what I learned later. But for now, I wanted to just say how hard the weekend was for me. I was SO immensely worried about my mom (rehab was not working for her...she had no intention of trying to stop drinking) that I could not handle the conversations about addiction and recovery. I sobbed through the entire weekend. I'm so glad that I won't see any of those people who attended family weekend again because I really embarrassed myself. I was way too emotional. It wasn't a tear or two, it was the kind of crying where you can't speak and you get all red and blotchy.
I still haven't processed why exactly it was so hard for me. Was it because I'd never openly talked about my mom's addiction? Or what it was like for me? Was the it group/crowd aspect? Was I just nervous?
Any ideas?
The family program was actually very difficult for me. I arrived on Thursday night at the hotel that Hanley pays for one family member to stay in and it was very nice. The next morning, Hanley arranged for the family members attending the program to be picked up at 7:30 am. Originally, my brother and sister were both going to attend with me, but they bailed at the last minute.
The idea of family program is to teach the family members how addiction is a family disease. It's like dominoes: the substance (alcohol, in my mom's case) knocks the addict down and then the addict knocks everyone else around them down.
Other helpful things we learned about addiction:
-addiction is about compulsivity (always worrying about the next drink)
-the first 12-18 months after quitting are the hardest
-alcoholism is a holistic disease (physical, emotional, mental, social, spiritual) & therefore so must the solution to the disease be
Anyway, I'll update more about what I learned later. But for now, I wanted to just say how hard the weekend was for me. I was SO immensely worried about my mom (rehab was not working for her...she had no intention of trying to stop drinking) that I could not handle the conversations about addiction and recovery. I sobbed through the entire weekend. I'm so glad that I won't see any of those people who attended family weekend again because I really embarrassed myself. I was way too emotional. It wasn't a tear or two, it was the kind of crying where you can't speak and you get all red and blotchy.
I still haven't processed why exactly it was so hard for me. Was it because I'd never openly talked about my mom's addiction? Or what it was like for me? Was the it group/crowd aspect? Was I just nervous?
Any ideas?
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